Goodbye Comparison

A few weeks ago, the Lord convicted me for the hundredth time about perusing my Facebook newsfeed and I finally listened and took action. I've left a few of my notifications on for if close friends and family post a picture or something but other than that, I've been off it. I haven't touched the newsfeed. And I'm so glad I finally stopped letting it control and mess with my thoughts and my life. 

Facebook has been my go-to social media since it came out when I was in college. I know a ton of new stuff has come out since then but Facebook is what I started on and what I was comfortable with and so I stayed with it. The problem is that it was doing more harm to me and now my marriage than good. There are a lot of pros with Facebook but what I started to finally realize over time was that I was comparing my life with every other person's life on Facebook and feeling horrible at the end of scrolling through my newsfeed. This person just went to the Bahamas and we've never been on a trip like that together. This person's kid just started walking at 7 months and my 15 month old is not showing any signs of it. This person went out on the town last night and all we did was order pizza and I was asleep my 9pm. Thoughts and comparisons like this, over and over and over. I once heard that Facebook is a highlight reel of everyone's lives. And it is. No one puts anything bad on Facebook. They only put the good things that are happening and THAT'S NOT REAL LIFE. And I know this. But somehow the enemy still is able to get through and make me feel like we aren't having as much fun as others or whatever. And it's just not true. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of feeling like my life isn't great. Because it is. It is perfect in our own way. It is unique. I love that we have our own story, created by God, and it's not like anyone else's story. I've had it with the enemy putting these thoughts in my mind via Facebook. I'm DONE. So I got off. And I've loved the freedom that has come from it. 

The enemy knows that comparison is a weakness for me and I'm so thankful to the Holy Spirit for convicting me of this and helping me to shut some windows that were allowing that comparison in. I love my life and am so grateful and I'm not going to let the world or Facebook or whatever/whomever else let me think otherwise. 

Chubby Cheeks and Thighs

I love Wyatt’s cheeks. I love his chubby thighs. I love his belly. I could really cover him in kisses 24/7 and usually I do when I’m holding him. I’m just trying to take in every moment with him as he rapidly grows from our baby to our little boy; even the hard moments.  I can feel myself getting better at appreciating EVERY moment. When he is fussy and just wants to be held and I’m exhausted and really need to pick up around the house or wash the dishes, I stop myself and lean down and pick him up. And I kiss those cheeks and squeeze him tight to take my focus off of frustrated and exhausted to so grateful that I get to hold my baby boy. 

It is amazing to watch him grow. The other night we watched him move from the couch to the floor perfectly on his own. We had maybe helped him do this a handful of times before but it was so neat to watch him on his own. You could see the thought process. And I was so proud of him. Such a simple task to us obviously but so amazing to watch someone learn it and do it. And that’s just one example of all the stuff we watch our babies and kids learn to do on their own.

I read a blog post a while ago (don’t remember which one it was) that talked about how we always remember the “firsts” but never really the “lasts.” The last time you rocked them to sleep, the last time you picked them up when they were fussy, the last time you helped feed them. I’m sure I won’t remember exactly either but what I do want to do is treasure those moments as they happen because they could be the last ones.

One of my favorite things to do is rock Wyatt just before bed and pray over him and softly put him down to sleep in his crib. He doesn’t need to be rocked. He is a wonderful sleeper and would go down just fine on his own. But I need those few moments to pray over him, to kiss him, to hold him tightly, to embrace the few minutes he holds his stuffed animal monkey, Sam, with his head leaned up against my chest, quickly falling asleep. I know this won’t last much longer. There will be a new season soon, I’m sure, of us saying prayers with him as he lies in his toddler bed, but I love our current routine and I want to soak up every moment of it.

I work full time and while I do wish I had more time with him, I think it also helps me appreciate the precious time I do have with him and my husband. I anxiously await going to pick him up at daycare at the end of my work day and coming home with him to Hogan. I love the time we have at night as a family. And I get so excited on those weekends now where we really don’t have anything planned; where we can just hang out and play with Wyatt and have quality time together as a family. 

It’s the little things that I’m learning to 

just 

plain 

love 

and

enjoy

right now.

  

Vision

God, what do YOU have for us next? How do YOU want to use us for your glory? Let it not be our desires but YOUR desires for us.

This is always my prayer when my mind starts running free with ideas for what’s next in our life. This was definitely my prayer last night as I drove home from dinner with some girlfriends. This past weekend, Hogan and I got away with each other to relax, enjoy time with each other, and pray over our life and year to come – a “vision retreat.” We prayed about clarity in why God put us together and how He wants to use us. We prayed over Wyatt but we also prayed about what our family will look like in the future – how many more kids, adoption, foster care, mentoring, etc. We don’t have answers yet but we are seeking them through prayer. And then yesterday, my mind started racing!  I think I found out 4 people were pregnant and was also involved in conversations regarding foster care. So then I started getting baby fever AND contemplating so many other options out there.

And then I calmed down and prayed.

 It’s so easy to get caught up in what others are doing. But God has his own plan for Hogan and I and he has his own plan for you. I can’t let what others are doing dictate our story. That is God’s job. The most beautiful thing in this life is that we each have our own unique story. Why in the world would we want it to look like someone else’s? Through seeking Jesus and delighting in Him, He tells us what to do next and He writes our story.

Hogan knows that his calling is to be a Dad. That could look like several different things but it helps guide us. I’m not sure how exactly to describe my heart. I guess in a general sense it’s a heart for outreach but more specifically I just want to love and help those that are neglected in some way. This leans more towards kids/teenagers in hurting/poor communities but I guess it could be anywhere. I want those kids to know they are LOVED and someone CARES. I want to be the one that loves them and cares for them. I had this heart before I had Wyatt but it’s much more prevalent now that I have my own child. I don’t know exactly what God is calling us to do next or when that time is but he’s definitely put something on our hearts to grow and I know that he will bring it to fruition in his timing.

So for now we pray. And we enjoy the blessings we have. And we keep our hearts close to his so we don’t miss anything He is calling us to do J

Grieving

I haven't blogged in over year. My last post was when Wyatt was born. Life is so busy that I feel like I don't have the time.

This past week Lakim passed away. I have so many memories of him. I can still vividly remember my emotions from all the memories. But I also found an old blog post about him. And it's making me smile and cry at the same time.

http://lkhartzog.blogspot.com/2011/07/heart-full-of-hope.html

I still can't quite put words to how I am feeling right now. But I want to try. And I don't want to forget as time goes by. So I'm going to try to start writing again.

I know not to ask "why" of God. I know that we all have an appointed time. I know that our life is but a mist here on earth. I know also that we live in a fallen world. I don't have to ask why. I know the answers. But that doesn't take away the pain. It doesn't take away the "surreal-ness" of what has happened. Besides the fact that Lakim was a young man with so much promise in this world to fulfill, I think I'm most shaken up because there was a moment in time several years ago that I said a radical yes to Jesus and I went to coach Woodlawn soccer. I look back through my journaling and I knew I wasn't there for soccer; I was there for a bigger purpose. There were probably several reasons I was there but Lakim was one of the biggest, at least that I can see now. I actually remember saying that maybe the only reason I was at Woodlawn was to be in Lakim's life and for Lakim to be in ours.

There have been so many ups and downs over the years. You can see that in my blog post above. We didn't see Lakim on a regular basis but we always got back together to see him and see how things were going. I think what breaks my heart right now is that it'd been a while since we saw him last. But then again, maybe it'd be a lot harder right now if we had seen him recently. The last time we saw Lakim, we took him to dinner and introduced him to Wyatt, our son. He held Wyatt and really it was a perfect moment because Hogan and I both had felt like Lakim was a son to us in a way. Our heart hurt for him over the years and was so full of joy for him when good things happened. We would drop anything we were doing to help him if he needed it. When he got into Samford, it kind of felt like we were releasing him. God was so faithful in his life and we just knew it was going to be a beautiful experience at Samford. Our main prayer was that Samford would accept him. That he would make friends and really make a difference in a good way on campus. I've been checking Lakim's facebook wall probably 10+ times a day to see what people are posting. It's beautiful. Not only did Samford accept him, but they loved him. Lakim changed lives on campus. He brought smiles and hope to people there. I shouldn't be surprised because God is faithful and he hears our prayers and answers them. He is a great God. He used us and several others to impact Lakim's life and then used Lakim to impact so many others. I am humbled and grateful and can't stop crying. I'm sad but I'm so grateful at the same time.