Uncomfortable prayers

Have you ever picked a book to read knowing it's gonna mess you up? It's like wanting to watch a movie you know is gonna make you bawl your eyes out and you do it anyways. 

Well I just finished doing this to myself. I guess deep down I wanted to be messed up. I want to be uncomfortable. I want to get close to the Lord (I mean really close) and stir things up. So why not do this when I'm already a mess from my postpartum emotions - makes complete sense to me. Ha. It doesn't at all, but it's too late now. 

Over the past few months, I learned about Jen Hatmaker. I watched her show on HGTV. I started following her on Facebook. I read some of her blog. I'm a big fan. I obviously don't know her (or I should say she doesn't know me) but I really connect with a lot of what she writes. So I knew I would enjoy the books she has written. I downloaded and read her book, "Interrupted." And bingo, loved every chapter of it. And yes, it has messed me up. Highly recommend it but beware. 

I don't even know where to begin. I don't even know if I can truly get out my thoughts right now. I'm not sure I have to. I think one of the things I learned from this book is you can ask and let the Lord start dealing with you and you don't have to do anything yet but pray. Maybe the best prayers are when you don't even really know what you are praying about - you are just talking to Him telling Him you don't even know what you are praying about. Not sure that makes much sense on paper, sorry. 

My personality is to get passionate about something and go do it. Plan it all out and do it. Most likely before praying enough about it. Most likely with more of ME in the plan than God. And it may be a good thing. But I guess I just wonder if it's not the best. If I need to let go of the reigns a little and let some things get orchestrated by God. But I also believe in not sitting around doing nothing. Things don't have to be all planned out in order to act. So maybe what I'm trying to say is that we act but we don't plan it all out in our head. We let God guide us one step at a time. I guess that's faith. You step out in faith to do something and then the next step becomes visible. 

I've been in this place before. And I miss it. I had a great job but a job that wouldn't really allow me to do something God put on my heart. So I prayed big prayers. And as I'm literally turning in my resignation in person, God moved. And the company allowed me to do both for a season. And so I did. And then God opened up another door for a new job. I could go on and on and on about His provision. And it all started with a step of faith to serve others. To serve his sheep. 

A lot of beautiful things have happened in my life since then. I am married to an amazing man. I have two precious children. We have a great life. But if I'm being honest, we are pretty comfortable. And comfortable seems good, but I don't think we are called to be comfortable while serving his Kingdom. I'm not sure the two can exist together actually. We can be responsible in serving his kingdom but I don't think we can be comfortable. 

So how do you mess up comfortable? You start praying bold prayers. I mean prayers that make you cringe as you pray them because you don't really know if you want your comfort messed up. And make sure you pray them out loud. Makes you cringe even more. 

This is just one excerpt from a section of the book that I ate up ..."We have an innate craving to live on mission with God in the dangerous, exciting world. Out there is where we come to life, get over ourselves, are fed. Fulfillment exists in becoming a slave to everyone in order to win someone to Jesus. Discipleship was never simply about learning; it was constructed on living.”

I believe in this innate craving. I have it. I believe in this kind of fulfillment. I want it. The book discusses several scriptures that show you how to get it. One that I'm reading over and over again right now is Isaiah 58...

"...If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk, and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday. The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail..." 

So my prayers then become focused on doing this : "If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk, and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed."

And those aren't comfortable prayers. So we will see what happens.  :) 

Second Time Around

I have a 2 1/2 year old (Wyatt) and while on maternity leave with him, I discovered that motherhood is tough. I mean really tough. You see everyone gushing and smiling and in awe over their newborns on social media (and don't get me wrong, I do it too now) so surely it was going to be the best thing ever! And it is but I didn't know how hard it would be. Where are all the posts on that people? And Wyatt was a relatively easy baby (I think). Well obviously I got through those really tough newborn weeks and 2 1/2 years later, we had our second boy. When we found out we were blessed with bringing another little one into this world, I just knew it'd be easier this time around. I knew what to expect right? I knew it would be hard at times, but overall, it'd be easier, right? I thought I knew better how to handle it all. How not to let myself get overwhelmed. This time there would be no tears if I didn't get a shower all day. There would be no tears if Mason just wanted to be held all day.

WRONG.

Mason Nurmi Hartzog entered this world on September 16, 2014. This time around, my labor and delivery was awesome. I am so grateful for that. After delivery, I was that crazy annoying woman who actually said, "That was so much fun." Completely different than my labor story with Wyatt which I do not want to relive...ever.

Completely different labor story and now as we are 1 month into this, completely different baby and experience altogether...which does not equal easier.  

The first couple weeks were hard but it was more related to Wyatt's adjustment and nursing issues I experienced. I like to think that it was the Lord telling me that I still needed him, that I didn't have this on my own even if it was my 2nd child. And boy did I ever. I needed Jesus on a daily basis. I needed encouragement. I needed hope. I needed support. Those trials for the most part have now gone away but after that first week or so, newborns wake up. and now we have a fussy/gassy infant who really isn't a fan of sleeping for long periods of time. He isn't a fan of the bouncer or swings or laying on his back. He is ok on his tummy but pediatricians tell you that you CAN'T put a baby on it's tummy to sleep. He likes to be held but some parenting books tell you that you CAN'T hold a baby nonstop. They need to fall asleep on their own, blah blah blah. Not only is having a newborn exhausting but it's even more exhausting to listen/read a million differing views on how to raise your child. I had to stop reading all that stuff. I was going insane.

There are plenty of tears from me and him on a daily basis. There are good days and then there are days when I really don't think I can do this. It's not fun on those days (to put it lightly). To put it not so lightly, it's absolutely miserable. And I try really hard not to feel terrible for wanting this stage to pass. What I've realized so far though is that ENCOURAGEMENT FROM OTHERS is an absolute necessity. From the Lord (His word), from my husband (who is an absolute rock for me), from friends and family, and even from posts on baby sites where other mothers write about their hard times. If I don't get this encouragement, I will give up because I've realized I really can't do this on my own. And I have to tell myself that I'm not the only one who goes through this. Granted, there are some "perfect" babies out there, but there are so many more that struggle with one thing after another. And honestly, I think I wanted to write all this down so that one, I don't forget, but more importantly, that maybe it can encourage other mamas out there who possibly only hear how wonderful everyone's babies are and how they are sleeping through the night at 5 weeks old - I mean really? No one wants to see you post that, especially not a struggling mama. 

Here are two verses that I've been clinging to over these past few weeks: 

Romans 12:12 

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." 

Lamentations 3:22-23 

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions (mercies) never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."

One day at a time. If it was a good one, I thank the Lord, enjoy it, and press on. If it was a bad one, it's now over. A new day begins and His compassions are new every morning and I press on. And before I know it, I'll look back at this post and laugh (hopefully) because my child is now a pleasant human being, ha ha. And hopefully you will be able to laugh at your struggles too. But in the meantime, YOU got this. Make sure you get the encouragement you need and press on. 

It's an amazing journey and I'm so glad that I have my God, my faith, and encouragement from others to carry me through it. And I totally am in love with my precious Mason even through all the hard stuff.