Uncomfortable prayers

Have you ever picked a book to read knowing it's gonna mess you up? It's like wanting to watch a movie you know is gonna make you bawl your eyes out and you do it anyways. 

Well I just finished doing this to myself. I guess deep down I wanted to be messed up. I want to be uncomfortable. I want to get close to the Lord (I mean really close) and stir things up. So why not do this when I'm already a mess from my postpartum emotions - makes complete sense to me. Ha. It doesn't at all, but it's too late now. 

Over the past few months, I learned about Jen Hatmaker. I watched her show on HGTV. I started following her on Facebook. I read some of her blog. I'm a big fan. I obviously don't know her (or I should say she doesn't know me) but I really connect with a lot of what she writes. So I knew I would enjoy the books she has written. I downloaded and read her book, "Interrupted." And bingo, loved every chapter of it. And yes, it has messed me up. Highly recommend it but beware. 

I don't even know where to begin. I don't even know if I can truly get out my thoughts right now. I'm not sure I have to. I think one of the things I learned from this book is you can ask and let the Lord start dealing with you and you don't have to do anything yet but pray. Maybe the best prayers are when you don't even really know what you are praying about - you are just talking to Him telling Him you don't even know what you are praying about. Not sure that makes much sense on paper, sorry. 

My personality is to get passionate about something and go do it. Plan it all out and do it. Most likely before praying enough about it. Most likely with more of ME in the plan than God. And it may be a good thing. But I guess I just wonder if it's not the best. If I need to let go of the reigns a little and let some things get orchestrated by God. But I also believe in not sitting around doing nothing. Things don't have to be all planned out in order to act. So maybe what I'm trying to say is that we act but we don't plan it all out in our head. We let God guide us one step at a time. I guess that's faith. You step out in faith to do something and then the next step becomes visible. 

I've been in this place before. And I miss it. I had a great job but a job that wouldn't really allow me to do something God put on my heart. So I prayed big prayers. And as I'm literally turning in my resignation in person, God moved. And the company allowed me to do both for a season. And so I did. And then God opened up another door for a new job. I could go on and on and on about His provision. And it all started with a step of faith to serve others. To serve his sheep. 

A lot of beautiful things have happened in my life since then. I am married to an amazing man. I have two precious children. We have a great life. But if I'm being honest, we are pretty comfortable. And comfortable seems good, but I don't think we are called to be comfortable while serving his Kingdom. I'm not sure the two can exist together actually. We can be responsible in serving his kingdom but I don't think we can be comfortable. 

So how do you mess up comfortable? You start praying bold prayers. I mean prayers that make you cringe as you pray them because you don't really know if you want your comfort messed up. And make sure you pray them out loud. Makes you cringe even more. 

This is just one excerpt from a section of the book that I ate up ..."We have an innate craving to live on mission with God in the dangerous, exciting world. Out there is where we come to life, get over ourselves, are fed. Fulfillment exists in becoming a slave to everyone in order to win someone to Jesus. Discipleship was never simply about learning; it was constructed on living.”

I believe in this innate craving. I have it. I believe in this kind of fulfillment. I want it. The book discusses several scriptures that show you how to get it. One that I'm reading over and over again right now is Isaiah 58...

"...If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk, and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday. The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail..." 

So my prayers then become focused on doing this : "If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk, and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed."

And those aren't comfortable prayers. So we will see what happens.  :) 

Second Time Around

I have a 2 1/2 year old (Wyatt) and while on maternity leave with him, I discovered that motherhood is tough. I mean really tough. You see everyone gushing and smiling and in awe over their newborns on social media (and don't get me wrong, I do it too now) so surely it was going to be the best thing ever! And it is but I didn't know how hard it would be. Where are all the posts on that people? And Wyatt was a relatively easy baby (I think). Well obviously I got through those really tough newborn weeks and 2 1/2 years later, we had our second boy. When we found out we were blessed with bringing another little one into this world, I just knew it'd be easier this time around. I knew what to expect right? I knew it would be hard at times, but overall, it'd be easier, right? I thought I knew better how to handle it all. How not to let myself get overwhelmed. This time there would be no tears if I didn't get a shower all day. There would be no tears if Mason just wanted to be held all day.

WRONG.

Mason Nurmi Hartzog entered this world on September 16, 2014. This time around, my labor and delivery was awesome. I am so grateful for that. After delivery, I was that crazy annoying woman who actually said, "That was so much fun." Completely different than my labor story with Wyatt which I do not want to relive...ever.

Completely different labor story and now as we are 1 month into this, completely different baby and experience altogether...which does not equal easier.  

The first couple weeks were hard but it was more related to Wyatt's adjustment and nursing issues I experienced. I like to think that it was the Lord telling me that I still needed him, that I didn't have this on my own even if it was my 2nd child. And boy did I ever. I needed Jesus on a daily basis. I needed encouragement. I needed hope. I needed support. Those trials for the most part have now gone away but after that first week or so, newborns wake up. and now we have a fussy/gassy infant who really isn't a fan of sleeping for long periods of time. He isn't a fan of the bouncer or swings or laying on his back. He is ok on his tummy but pediatricians tell you that you CAN'T put a baby on it's tummy to sleep. He likes to be held but some parenting books tell you that you CAN'T hold a baby nonstop. They need to fall asleep on their own, blah blah blah. Not only is having a newborn exhausting but it's even more exhausting to listen/read a million differing views on how to raise your child. I had to stop reading all that stuff. I was going insane.

There are plenty of tears from me and him on a daily basis. There are good days and then there are days when I really don't think I can do this. It's not fun on those days (to put it lightly). To put it not so lightly, it's absolutely miserable. And I try really hard not to feel terrible for wanting this stage to pass. What I've realized so far though is that ENCOURAGEMENT FROM OTHERS is an absolute necessity. From the Lord (His word), from my husband (who is an absolute rock for me), from friends and family, and even from posts on baby sites where other mothers write about their hard times. If I don't get this encouragement, I will give up because I've realized I really can't do this on my own. And I have to tell myself that I'm not the only one who goes through this. Granted, there are some "perfect" babies out there, but there are so many more that struggle with one thing after another. And honestly, I think I wanted to write all this down so that one, I don't forget, but more importantly, that maybe it can encourage other mamas out there who possibly only hear how wonderful everyone's babies are and how they are sleeping through the night at 5 weeks old - I mean really? No one wants to see you post that, especially not a struggling mama. 

Here are two verses that I've been clinging to over these past few weeks: 

Romans 12:12 

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." 

Lamentations 3:22-23 

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions (mercies) never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."

One day at a time. If it was a good one, I thank the Lord, enjoy it, and press on. If it was a bad one, it's now over. A new day begins and His compassions are new every morning and I press on. And before I know it, I'll look back at this post and laugh (hopefully) because my child is now a pleasant human being, ha ha. And hopefully you will be able to laugh at your struggles too. But in the meantime, YOU got this. Make sure you get the encouragement you need and press on. 

It's an amazing journey and I'm so glad that I have my God, my faith, and encouragement from others to carry me through it. And I totally am in love with my precious Mason even through all the hard stuff.

Goodbye Comparison

A few weeks ago, the Lord convicted me for the hundredth time about perusing my Facebook newsfeed and I finally listened and took action. I've left a few of my notifications on for if close friends and family post a picture or something but other than that, I've been off it. I haven't touched the newsfeed. And I'm so glad I finally stopped letting it control and mess with my thoughts and my life. 

Facebook has been my go-to social media since it came out when I was in college. I know a ton of new stuff has come out since then but Facebook is what I started on and what I was comfortable with and so I stayed with it. The problem is that it was doing more harm to me and now my marriage than good. There are a lot of pros with Facebook but what I started to finally realize over time was that I was comparing my life with every other person's life on Facebook and feeling horrible at the end of scrolling through my newsfeed. This person just went to the Bahamas and we've never been on a trip like that together. This person's kid just started walking at 7 months and my 15 month old is not showing any signs of it. This person went out on the town last night and all we did was order pizza and I was asleep my 9pm. Thoughts and comparisons like this, over and over and over. I once heard that Facebook is a highlight reel of everyone's lives. And it is. No one puts anything bad on Facebook. They only put the good things that are happening and THAT'S NOT REAL LIFE. And I know this. But somehow the enemy still is able to get through and make me feel like we aren't having as much fun as others or whatever. And it's just not true. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of feeling like my life isn't great. Because it is. It is perfect in our own way. It is unique. I love that we have our own story, created by God, and it's not like anyone else's story. I've had it with the enemy putting these thoughts in my mind via Facebook. I'm DONE. So I got off. And I've loved the freedom that has come from it. 

The enemy knows that comparison is a weakness for me and I'm so thankful to the Holy Spirit for convicting me of this and helping me to shut some windows that were allowing that comparison in. I love my life and am so grateful and I'm not going to let the world or Facebook or whatever/whomever else let me think otherwise. 

Chubby Cheeks and Thighs

I love Wyatt’s cheeks. I love his chubby thighs. I love his belly. I could really cover him in kisses 24/7 and usually I do when I’m holding him. I’m just trying to take in every moment with him as he rapidly grows from our baby to our little boy; even the hard moments.  I can feel myself getting better at appreciating EVERY moment. When he is fussy and just wants to be held and I’m exhausted and really need to pick up around the house or wash the dishes, I stop myself and lean down and pick him up. And I kiss those cheeks and squeeze him tight to take my focus off of frustrated and exhausted to so grateful that I get to hold my baby boy. 

It is amazing to watch him grow. The other night we watched him move from the couch to the floor perfectly on his own. We had maybe helped him do this a handful of times before but it was so neat to watch him on his own. You could see the thought process. And I was so proud of him. Such a simple task to us obviously but so amazing to watch someone learn it and do it. And that’s just one example of all the stuff we watch our babies and kids learn to do on their own.

I read a blog post a while ago (don’t remember which one it was) that talked about how we always remember the “firsts” but never really the “lasts.” The last time you rocked them to sleep, the last time you picked them up when they were fussy, the last time you helped feed them. I’m sure I won’t remember exactly either but what I do want to do is treasure those moments as they happen because they could be the last ones.

One of my favorite things to do is rock Wyatt just before bed and pray over him and softly put him down to sleep in his crib. He doesn’t need to be rocked. He is a wonderful sleeper and would go down just fine on his own. But I need those few moments to pray over him, to kiss him, to hold him tightly, to embrace the few minutes he holds his stuffed animal monkey, Sam, with his head leaned up against my chest, quickly falling asleep. I know this won’t last much longer. There will be a new season soon, I’m sure, of us saying prayers with him as he lies in his toddler bed, but I love our current routine and I want to soak up every moment of it.

I work full time and while I do wish I had more time with him, I think it also helps me appreciate the precious time I do have with him and my husband. I anxiously await going to pick him up at daycare at the end of my work day and coming home with him to Hogan. I love the time we have at night as a family. And I get so excited on those weekends now where we really don’t have anything planned; where we can just hang out and play with Wyatt and have quality time together as a family. 

It’s the little things that I’m learning to 

just 

plain 

love 

and

enjoy

right now.

  

Vision

God, what do YOU have for us next? How do YOU want to use us for your glory? Let it not be our desires but YOUR desires for us.

This is always my prayer when my mind starts running free with ideas for what’s next in our life. This was definitely my prayer last night as I drove home from dinner with some girlfriends. This past weekend, Hogan and I got away with each other to relax, enjoy time with each other, and pray over our life and year to come – a “vision retreat.” We prayed about clarity in why God put us together and how He wants to use us. We prayed over Wyatt but we also prayed about what our family will look like in the future – how many more kids, adoption, foster care, mentoring, etc. We don’t have answers yet but we are seeking them through prayer. And then yesterday, my mind started racing!  I think I found out 4 people were pregnant and was also involved in conversations regarding foster care. So then I started getting baby fever AND contemplating so many other options out there.

And then I calmed down and prayed.

 It’s so easy to get caught up in what others are doing. But God has his own plan for Hogan and I and he has his own plan for you. I can’t let what others are doing dictate our story. That is God’s job. The most beautiful thing in this life is that we each have our own unique story. Why in the world would we want it to look like someone else’s? Through seeking Jesus and delighting in Him, He tells us what to do next and He writes our story.

Hogan knows that his calling is to be a Dad. That could look like several different things but it helps guide us. I’m not sure how exactly to describe my heart. I guess in a general sense it’s a heart for outreach but more specifically I just want to love and help those that are neglected in some way. This leans more towards kids/teenagers in hurting/poor communities but I guess it could be anywhere. I want those kids to know they are LOVED and someone CARES. I want to be the one that loves them and cares for them. I had this heart before I had Wyatt but it’s much more prevalent now that I have my own child. I don’t know exactly what God is calling us to do next or when that time is but he’s definitely put something on our hearts to grow and I know that he will bring it to fruition in his timing.

So for now we pray. And we enjoy the blessings we have. And we keep our hearts close to his so we don’t miss anything He is calling us to do J

Grieving

I haven't blogged in over year. My last post was when Wyatt was born. Life is so busy that I feel like I don't have the time.

This past week Lakim passed away. I have so many memories of him. I can still vividly remember my emotions from all the memories. But I also found an old blog post about him. And it's making me smile and cry at the same time.

http://lkhartzog.blogspot.com/2011/07/heart-full-of-hope.html

I still can't quite put words to how I am feeling right now. But I want to try. And I don't want to forget as time goes by. So I'm going to try to start writing again.

I know not to ask "why" of God. I know that we all have an appointed time. I know that our life is but a mist here on earth. I know also that we live in a fallen world. I don't have to ask why. I know the answers. But that doesn't take away the pain. It doesn't take away the "surreal-ness" of what has happened. Besides the fact that Lakim was a young man with so much promise in this world to fulfill, I think I'm most shaken up because there was a moment in time several years ago that I said a radical yes to Jesus and I went to coach Woodlawn soccer. I look back through my journaling and I knew I wasn't there for soccer; I was there for a bigger purpose. There were probably several reasons I was there but Lakim was one of the biggest, at least that I can see now. I actually remember saying that maybe the only reason I was at Woodlawn was to be in Lakim's life and for Lakim to be in ours.

There have been so many ups and downs over the years. You can see that in my blog post above. We didn't see Lakim on a regular basis but we always got back together to see him and see how things were going. I think what breaks my heart right now is that it'd been a while since we saw him last. But then again, maybe it'd be a lot harder right now if we had seen him recently. The last time we saw Lakim, we took him to dinner and introduced him to Wyatt, our son. He held Wyatt and really it was a perfect moment because Hogan and I both had felt like Lakim was a son to us in a way. Our heart hurt for him over the years and was so full of joy for him when good things happened. We would drop anything we were doing to help him if he needed it. When he got into Samford, it kind of felt like we were releasing him. God was so faithful in his life and we just knew it was going to be a beautiful experience at Samford. Our main prayer was that Samford would accept him. That he would make friends and really make a difference in a good way on campus. I've been checking Lakim's facebook wall probably 10+ times a day to see what people are posting. It's beautiful. Not only did Samford accept him, but they loved him. Lakim changed lives on campus. He brought smiles and hope to people there. I shouldn't be surprised because God is faithful and he hears our prayers and answers them. He is a great God. He used us and several others to impact Lakim's life and then used Lakim to impact so many others. I am humbled and grateful and can't stop crying. I'm sad but I'm so grateful at the same time.

Welcome Wyatt

We welcomed into the world our precious gift from God, Wyatt Grayton Hartzog, on March 26, 2012 - which is also my birthday. He is perfect and we are so grateful to the Lord for Him.

It's been almost 4 weeks and so far I've learned that being a mommy is by far the toughest thing I've ever done. And I can't explain what is so tough about it. It just is. But I'm also learning it's the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. Day by day I'm putting down perfection and replacing it with more and more love. I'm trying to listen to my husband and my God more who tell me I'm doing a great job at being a mom and trying to listen less to the doubt that the enemy places in my head. There are millions of moms in this world but I am the only one qualified to be Wyatt's mom and He's given me everything I need to do so. I am so blessed to have this gift of being his mommy.

These past few weeks have been a whirlwind and I'm finally trying to take some time to fill myself back up - so I can continue to pour out this love to my child and husband. I read a blog post the other day that really spoke to me. The writer stated, "It's not about trying to be a perfect parent, it's about trying to provide a love that is perfect for them." She goes on to talk about the fact that it is the love that sticks with them. It's the love they pass on. She says to let go of distraction and perfection so you can love. Stare into their eyes. Memorize their voice. Hug them until your arms grow tired. Say I love you until you lose your voice.

It's really pretty simple. Just love them. That is all. And the same goes for my marriage. I can get so caught up in trying to be the perfect wife and now also, the perfect mom but that is completely out of my hands. I'm simply called to love. And I'm thankful for that because I know I can do that.