Grieving

I haven't blogged in over year. My last post was when Wyatt was born. Life is so busy that I feel like I don't have the time.

This past week Lakim passed away. I have so many memories of him. I can still vividly remember my emotions from all the memories. But I also found an old blog post about him. And it's making me smile and cry at the same time.

http://lkhartzog.blogspot.com/2011/07/heart-full-of-hope.html

I still can't quite put words to how I am feeling right now. But I want to try. And I don't want to forget as time goes by. So I'm going to try to start writing again.

I know not to ask "why" of God. I know that we all have an appointed time. I know that our life is but a mist here on earth. I know also that we live in a fallen world. I don't have to ask why. I know the answers. But that doesn't take away the pain. It doesn't take away the "surreal-ness" of what has happened. Besides the fact that Lakim was a young man with so much promise in this world to fulfill, I think I'm most shaken up because there was a moment in time several years ago that I said a radical yes to Jesus and I went to coach Woodlawn soccer. I look back through my journaling and I knew I wasn't there for soccer; I was there for a bigger purpose. There were probably several reasons I was there but Lakim was one of the biggest, at least that I can see now. I actually remember saying that maybe the only reason I was at Woodlawn was to be in Lakim's life and for Lakim to be in ours.

There have been so many ups and downs over the years. You can see that in my blog post above. We didn't see Lakim on a regular basis but we always got back together to see him and see how things were going. I think what breaks my heart right now is that it'd been a while since we saw him last. But then again, maybe it'd be a lot harder right now if we had seen him recently. The last time we saw Lakim, we took him to dinner and introduced him to Wyatt, our son. He held Wyatt and really it was a perfect moment because Hogan and I both had felt like Lakim was a son to us in a way. Our heart hurt for him over the years and was so full of joy for him when good things happened. We would drop anything we were doing to help him if he needed it. When he got into Samford, it kind of felt like we were releasing him. God was so faithful in his life and we just knew it was going to be a beautiful experience at Samford. Our main prayer was that Samford would accept him. That he would make friends and really make a difference in a good way on campus. I've been checking Lakim's facebook wall probably 10+ times a day to see what people are posting. It's beautiful. Not only did Samford accept him, but they loved him. Lakim changed lives on campus. He brought smiles and hope to people there. I shouldn't be surprised because God is faithful and he hears our prayers and answers them. He is a great God. He used us and several others to impact Lakim's life and then used Lakim to impact so many others. I am humbled and grateful and can't stop crying. I'm sad but I'm so grateful at the same time.

Welcome Wyatt

We welcomed into the world our precious gift from God, Wyatt Grayton Hartzog, on March 26, 2012 - which is also my birthday. He is perfect and we are so grateful to the Lord for Him.

It's been almost 4 weeks and so far I've learned that being a mommy is by far the toughest thing I've ever done. And I can't explain what is so tough about it. It just is. But I'm also learning it's the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. Day by day I'm putting down perfection and replacing it with more and more love. I'm trying to listen to my husband and my God more who tell me I'm doing a great job at being a mom and trying to listen less to the doubt that the enemy places in my head. There are millions of moms in this world but I am the only one qualified to be Wyatt's mom and He's given me everything I need to do so. I am so blessed to have this gift of being his mommy.

These past few weeks have been a whirlwind and I'm finally trying to take some time to fill myself back up - so I can continue to pour out this love to my child and husband. I read a blog post the other day that really spoke to me. The writer stated, "It's not about trying to be a perfect parent, it's about trying to provide a love that is perfect for them." She goes on to talk about the fact that it is the love that sticks with them. It's the love they pass on. She says to let go of distraction and perfection so you can love. Stare into their eyes. Memorize their voice. Hug them until your arms grow tired. Say I love you until you lose your voice.

It's really pretty simple. Just love them. That is all. And the same goes for my marriage. I can get so caught up in trying to be the perfect wife and now also, the perfect mom but that is completely out of my hands. I'm simply called to love. And I'm thankful for that because I know I can do that.

Waiting

This waiting thing is hard.

It's such a weird feeling knowing that you are going to give birth to your child soon, but not knowing when it could happen. Could I wake up in the middle of the night tonight and feel contractions? Hogan has even downloaded an App to time contractions - yes, they make an App for that. Could my water break as I write this blog post? Will we continue to wonder when it's going to happen for 3 more weeks and then potentially be scheduled to go into labor? I just don't know!!! And it's so hard to wait. Especially when you are waiting for something so wonderful. And something that doesn't really have a "concrete" date to wait for.

Trust me, Hogan and I are doing all the things that people tell us we should be doing during this "waiting" period - go out on dates together, go enjoy some quality time together just the two of you, etc etc. And we do enjoy these dates and this time, but it really doesn't help the wait. Just being honest. We find ourselves continuing to talk about what life is going to be like when we have our son or when he might come. Maybe it's easier for other people and their personalities but not ours. I mean our engagement was a whopping 3 1/2 months...we couldn't wait to get married. And we were married for 8 months before we couldn't wait any longer to have kids. We definitely aren't rash decision makers. We've been led forward with God's peace in every decision. I guess we just don't like to wait around too long. We both know this life we've been given is short and we're only passing through it. Anyways, I'm getting off track...back to waiting...

It also doesn't help that I've been so pro-active at work that my entire "to do" list is done and those that are taking over my responsibilities are completely trained to do so by now. Nor does it help that Woodlawn has grad exams this week and Spring Break next week and so soccer is pretty much non-existant for the next 2 weeks.

We have everything we need at home for our son once he gets there. Our bags are pretty much packed besides those last minute items (which we've already made a list for). Can you tell we are more than ready? And I laugh because this seems like it would be a perfect scenario for him to stay in there for a while longer - when we are most prepared and in control. Because I know my God wants control over the situation. And He wants to be the one prepared - more so than us. And we realize this. And trust me, I want God to have control over it and everything else in my life and our marriage and our child.

Deep down in our hearts we absolutely know that baby Hartzog will arrive in God's perfect timing. And deep down we know that we don't want him any sooner or later than that. I just had to vent and be honest and say that my flesh wants him here now. And plus, I'm running out of things to do so why not take up some of this waiting time by blogging. If he doesn't get here soon, March may be the most posts that I've ever had in a month!

"The two most powerful warriors are patience and time."

Showers Everywhere

We are so grateful to be surrounded by friends and family and co-workers that love us and have blessed us with SO many baby gifts for our 1st child! I already posted some from my work shower but we also were given showers by my friends and family back home in Madison, my friends here in Birmingham, and Hogan's friends and co-workers at ReadyMix USA.

Also, just this past Friday night, Hogan thought he was going to have dinner with his friend Justin, but it turns out Justin, along with his other good friends Nick and Robbie, had thrown him a "manly" baby shower at the restaurant they went to. I think they called it a "man reproduction party" or something like that. It was hilarious from what Hogan told and showed me, complete with a diaper cake and funny onesies.

Here are some pictures from the showers. We definitely feel like we have all we need, plus tons more, to start taking care of our son. And it's been so fun celebrating with all our friends.

Madison Baby Shower

I of course forgot to get a picture with the hosts, but my BFF from high school, Jenny DiCarlo, her mom, and her aunt threw this fantastic shower for me. 

Birmingham Baby Shower

Thrown by my amazing friends, Leigh, Jana, Liz, and Christy! 

Leigh was feeling left out...

More of my sweet friends, Dana, Brandon, and Lucy...

Sadly did not get pics of everyone there but I'm so blessed by all those who came. 

We also had dinner one night at The Village Tavern with some of Hogan's co-workers. It was a lot of fun and they really blessed us with gifts. Here's a pic of me and Hogan but that's about the only great shot we have of the evening. And don't worry, that's not my glass of wine :) 

So we are ready for you Baby W!! 2 weeks, 3 days and counting! 

Early Birthday Celebration

No, baby W has not joined us yet. My birthday is March 26th, but due to the uncertainty surrounding when he will join us, my hubby went ahead and surprised me with a birthday celebration on Saturday. He really didn't want it to get overshadowed by all the baby stuff. So Saturday was a fantastic day!!

* He walked Molly allowing me to sleep in some.
* He brought me breakfast in bed - Waffle House to go!
* He had balloons and decorations all over the house (as well as in the neighbor's trees as he later told me he had to go back to the party store to get more after he lost the first ones to the trees)
* He cleaned the house and did the dishes.
* He took me out to eat at one of my favorite lunch spots - Urban Cookhouse
* He took me to Ross Bridge for a pre-natal massage - y'all know how I LOVE massages - it was so nice and much needed after a lot of lower back pain lately.
* He then told me that 2 of my best friends (Christy and Liz) were coming over that night to hang out and celebrate. He cooked dinner for us and bought Dreamcakes cupcakes for our dessert. He also gave us party favors (like a bucket filled with stuff you would get at a 5 year old's birthday party - it was awesome). I had a great time catching up with my friends.

It was such a great birthday surprise from Hogan. I really don't think I deserve him but I suppose that's the way everyone should feel in their marriage. I'm so grateful for him. So now that my birthday is celebrated AND we just received word that our door hanger we were having made for the hospital is ready for us to pick up (ha ha), we are officially ready for baby W to enter our world. Can't wait to see when he does :)

"Live Like That"

I heard a song on the radio on my way to work this morning and the lyrics really touched my heart so I wanted to share. Obviously it's much better with the music so go download or find the song on the internet and take a few minutes to listen to. The song is "Live Like That" by Sidewalk Prophets and it definitely helps me to think twice about my actions and words on a daily basis. The parts that really hit me I highlighted in blue :)

Sometimes I think
What will people say of me
When I'm only just a memory
When I'm home where my soul belongs

Was I love
When no one else would show up
Was I Jesus to the least of those
Was my worship more than just a song
I want to live like that
And give it all I have
So that everything I say and do
Points to You

If love is who I am
Then this is where I'll stand
Recklessly abandoned
Never holding back

I want to live like that
I want to live like that

Am I proof
That You are who you say You are
That grace can really change a heart
Do I live like Your love is true
People pass
And even if they don't know my name
Is there evidence that I've been changed
When they see me, do they see You
I want to live like that
And give it all I have
So that everything I say and do
Points to You

If love is who I am
Then this is where I'll stand
Recklessly abandoned
Never holding back

I want to show the world the love You gave for me
I'm longing for the world to know the glory of the King

I want to live like that
And give it all I have
So that everything I say and do
Points to You

It's March!!!

It's March 1st. It's officially the month of my due date for baby Hartzog! Granted it's at the very end (March 29) but I was so giddy this morning thinking about how we could and hopefully will have our little boy in our arms sometime this month!!

It's such a great anticipation.
He could come tomorrow, in 2 weeks, on my birthday, a week late - we just don't know!

All we know is that we are both ready to welcome him into this world. I've heard the joy of holding him for the first time is unexplainable and I can't wait for that moment. When I think about it, I start smiling and even start tearing up. I can't wait to be a mommy to our little guy.

And we are so looking forward to introducing you to little W.G.H.

If you want a good laugh, check out my hubby's blog post today...

http://ho2theworld.blogspot.com/2012/03/things-i-dont-want-to-hear-this-month.html

:)